Thursday, November 18, 2010

The thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought...

Don’t stand too close to the mirror because when you do you see all of your flaws and they seem bigger than they really are; shame and self-doubt can stifle you. Step back a little and see what we see, don’t get distracted by incidentals, you are capable. Step back and see it for yourself. And it’s okay to be happy about that; so, be proud of yourself & smile. If others don’t accept you, be okay with that but NEVER be ok that you don’t accept yourself. Say it & mean it, “Self, don’t question my love for you!!”

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Wish I Were..... scratch that.... I AM GOING TO BE...

Right now I wish that I were someplace else. I am listening to a play list that includes the likes of Britt Nicole, Amos Lee, Asher Roth, Kate Earl, Bruno Mars, Maurette Brown Clark, and Joshua Radin among others. And although the music makes it better, studying, I mean really studying Economics is not something that brings me joy. Yeah, music brings me joy but, so does taking a nap on a hammock aboard a Caribbean cruise ship. Wow, just picturing it brings a smile to my face because there is a place I’d rather be…vacation.

My destination is clear. The path I am taking?? Eh, not so much. I have a plan though and … Did you know that Fox is no longer on Cablevision? I am not that upset about this news because I have seen the latest episode of BONES but, I never realized how may of the shows I enjoy are broadcasted on the Fox network. Yes, I digressed… ok, I’m back.

My plan, the beginning is simple and even you can do it. How do I know you can do it?? Well, you are doing it right now… no, not that silly goose, but, reading. I am going to focus on my studies, yes, even economics and I am going to read *looks around to make sure no one is eavesdropping* [whispers] non-fiction books.

I have about eight books on my list at present and I am going to share that list with you. Why? Because I love you. HAHA, of course I am kidding, I don’t know you but, as my pumpkin (Ashlee) often says, “sharing is caring.” Even though she was self-motivated when she would say that there is still truth to it (yes, we are excluding contagious diseases when making this statement.)

And I really do share because I care. I want you to be courageous and apply yourself. I want you to be a success. I want you to be happy, and learn, and recognize your potential. I want all of that for you and I do not know you. So here is my list. Some of these books were mentioned in class lectures, recommedations by peers, and some, I just happened upon but, I believe that everyone can make a difference. And I believe that arming yourself with knowledge will help.

Well, what are you waiting for? Go…. Grow… and don’t forget your headphones (they come in handy when you want to drown out the voice of the naysayer).

By Marcus Buckingham:
First, Break All the Rules: What the World's Greatest Managers Do Differently
Now, Discover Your Strengths
Go Put Your Strengths to Work: 6 Powerful Steps to Achieve Outstanding Performance

By Malcolm Gladwell:
The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make a Big Difference
Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking
Outliers: The Story of Success

The Nibble Theory and the Kernal of Power: A Book About Leadership, Self-Empowerment, and Personal Growth by Kaleel Jamison

What Color Is Your Parachute? 2011: A Practical Manual for Job-Hunters and Career-Changers by Richard Nelson Bolles (I even got the workbook because I am giving being an overachiever a go… I’ll let you know how that works out for me.)

P.S. the links above are for both places I shop for books the most, Barnes and Noble & Amazon, I do not have a favorite I go with the best price at the time.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

~ Queridos ~

I am not sure when I was told the news but, I know that I was still young enough for it to have made an impression on me. I was told very nonchalantly that my father did not want me. It took me until I was older to realize how my lack of a relationship with my father and that information that I was not wanted shaped my relationships with men. Even my need to justify why he didn’t want me, the need to explain it away so that he didn’t look hardhearted, affects my relationships.

My mother, a single mother of three, did her absolute best to provide for us; which included simultaneously working and going to school. During the week there was one capable adult in the entire three family home in which I was raised, my grandmother. My grandmother was the “village” in charge of the 12 grandchildren running around the house until my mom and aunt returned to the house. The more I type the more I realize how screwed up I could be. God must really love me to have saved me from wherever I was going without Him.

Anyway, my mother, when home would want to unwind. That is my adult way of saying that she wanted to be alone. I figured that saying “unwind” sounds mature and understanding. In fact, as a mom, I can understand that she was probably overwhelmed and needed that time to regroup but, as a child I thought that I had freedom; a freedom that I did not want*. I wanted my mom to talk to me gently. Instead she pried and demanded information. Where she was judgmental I wanted sincere compliments. When I was sick and wanted to be nurtured… she told me to stop eating dairy products. I wanted my homework checked. I can’t even remember her going to my school’s parent-teacher conferences.

So, it is not surprising that I was the nurturer in my relationships. I still nurture my friends and family but, that is because I enjoy it. Before my revelation I did it because I thought that it was one of the reasons that my mother never had a boyfriend stay. I did the surrogate mothering to my boyfriends because I wanted to feel needed. I needed to feel needed. I wanted to enjoy my limited time in that relationship. You see, I thought eventually he will leave and they always did.

To be fair, regarding my mom, I had only seen her with two guys in my entire life. Neither of which was my father. I have never seen him with my mother. Also, I never saw her really interact with those men. So, I have no idea what she did or did not do in relationships. With all of that said; my relationship with my mother and the lack of one with my father shaped how I determined my self-worth. It shaped how I behaved in my relationships. [And it may have something to do with the men I attract. I’ll let you know if I figure that one out. You know, sharing is caring.] I just didn’t realize it then. Thank God that I can now see the destructive behaviors that I was bringing into relationships and how they were imposed upon me.

I know that I can be myself, in strength or in vulnerability: desirable, beautiful, worthy of being fought for, captivating and NOT someone destined to be abandoned.

As it stands, I am coping but I am still hurting from the sting of rejection from my dad. Daily I have to remind myself that I am who God says I am and not who others say I am. I stand on the promises made to me by my God. He loves me and will never leave me nor forsake me. I believe that. I am a BELIEVER.

*Jr., I am sorry if you feel that you get absolutely no freedom… Blame Grams ツ… kidding.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

This One Is For You

So I thought of a word, seemingly out of the blue and didn’t want to use it in a sentence. I actually wanted to do it. I wanted to, rather I want to commandeer. I am not sure what I can commandeer but, I want to be successful at it when I do it. Allow me to clarify; what I want to do is “take possession of.” Not by force, which is not in my nature, but maybe I can use my charm. I do have some charming qualities and since what I really want, that is, what led me to have thought of the word at all, is someone’s heart. A heart I cannot have.

And now that I have written it, now that I am looking over my words, I am thinking that maybe I do not want to take possession of his heart after all. Maybe no one really can. Periodically, I tell myself that he wants what’s best for me but, deep down I know that he is as selfish as I am. Although he wants the best for me; he wants the best for me to be him. That would have been nice.

The messed up part of this is that I am still pretending, even now. I pretend that I am not still his when I know that I am. I even go out of my way to show an interest in others but my heart is not in it. I think they can tell, I certainly can and my act disgusts me a little. I feel like a fraud. But I will not always, I guarantee that. I know that love will find me, I will embrace it, and that brings a smile to my face.

Until then…. this song is for you, my forever love, because at the moment, all I desire is ...

“More of You”
and the saddest part of it all
...I can't even tell you.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Yes, Friday nights are better for me...

Every time I read this passage I marvel at how true this is to me. And I don’t even begin to compare my definition of “plenty” to anyone else’s. Nor do I compare my definition of “want” to anyone else’s. I just thank God that He is still keeping me and that He places people in my life at the exact moment that I need them even when I have yet to realize their importance.

This morning I had grand plans to get up at 6 in the morning and begin cleaning. It is 11:30 a.m. and I have thus far swept half of the kitchen floor. What time did I get up? Oh about 9 a.m. I’ve had breakfast, I’ve contemplated updating my facebook status, googled some books that I am interested in reading and well, swept half of the kitchen floor.

The fact is, I haven’t written in this blog in ages. Ha, you know in this digital age that four months can easily equate to “ages.” And I saw today’s bible verse and was inspired to thank God for giving me peace when I am in need and for keeping me humble when I have plenty. And can I tell you one more thing?? These ladies in this photo with me are plenty. Well, if you’ve met them then you know that but, if you have not… you are missing out on the best of me.

We went out recently and had a blast. The event was… well, let’s just say it will improve the next time around, I am sure. It had been so long since I had an opportunity to hang out with my best ladies that I didn’t care how sorry the event was. The only regret I have was that since I do not regularly hang out, I was too exhausted to go to church the next day. But boy, did we have fun. Don’t ask me what was so great about it. Don’t ask me what we talked about. Don’t even ask what was so funny, because we were laughing a lot. Just be happy that I am blessed to have such wonderful secret keepers in my life.

Alright, I have spoken my peace for the morning... it is almost noon and I have a kitchen to finish cleaning.

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is great & greatly to be praised.

Oh yeah, the books…. Ok, I am going to pick-up the following on my next trip to Barnes & Noble:

And I may even get If I'm so Wonderful, why Am I Still Single? because I am pretty wonderful, gosh!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Ex-Narcissist?? Uhh not yet but, I'm working on it.

The semester has begun and I am surprised to say, “So far, so good.” Actually, considering that when I was this far into my last semester I thought of dropping out I’d say that “So far, so good” is a fantastic start to the new semester. I have even begun working out again. I haven’t started boxing again yet and I miss it terribly but I have to take baby steps. The last thing that I need is to overwhelm myself and then stop going again. For now, it is just an 8 a.m. Boot Camp with the evil but loveable Gary. And let me tell you, starting a workout routine is a little painful and mega exhausting. Yea, yea, no pain no gain. Whatever.

Here is another good one, “All of the pain is the weak leaving your body.” Yes, that is very corny but the good news, because there is always good news… you just have to look for it, the good news is that today I can laugh and my abs don’t hurt. Yesterday I couldn’t laugh, cough, or sneeze without saying “oww!” I haven’t taken any pictures to track my progress. The way I see it is if I don’t take my “before” pictures until “after” then I can pretended that this “before” body never happened.

Well, this has been fun but I have to get back to work. I have plenty of school assignments to deal with but the narcissist in me wanted to let you know what was going on in my world.

Until next time, do yourself a favor… show someone sincere love, don’t just laugh out loud, laugh uproariously, give a bear hug and say “I love you.”

au revoir

Thursday, January 7, 2010

I'm not sorry...I don't miss you... I just love and adore you

My Sweet,

I can think of one place that I’d rather be at this moment and that is closer to you. My love, I never imagined that you would make me this happy. Happy, yes but this kind of joy I never imagined. Oh yes, we laugh and make the grandest of memories and you can see my smiles and the tears of joy and laughter but what you cannot see is my heart. When I think of you it swells so much that I think it is going to burst. How wonderful you have been to me.

Even now, as I watch you read the paper, you take my breath away. And I know you are curious to know what I am doing because you keep looking at me and I can’t stop smiling. If I close my eyes I can feel you. Your touch, even the lightest of brushes against my skin makes my heart palpitate. There is nothing about you that I do not love. Even when you vex me (because you really know how to push my buttons) I still adore you.

No, stay where you are… these tears are not because I am sad in any way. I am just grateful that my prayer was answered with you. Darling did you know that most of my day was spent thinking of you? You are a beautiful beautiful man and for no reason other than the fact that you are my husband, I thought of you. I thought of every inch of you and how I can show appreciation to every inch of you. I confess that I thought of some parts more than others but I have no favorites. I love your package *smile* I mean I love the package. My strong and compassionate man, you are my rock. In your eyes I see truth and love and I just want to give back to you half of what you have and continue to give to me.

I am going to walk over to you now. I am going to sit on your lap and kiss you and then I will go and finish dinner. And just so you know… after dinner I expect that the one place that I’d rather be is where I am going to be. I’m a little giddy just thinking about it.

I am and will forever be truly, madly and deeply yours