Wednesday, June 9, 2010

This One Is For You

So I thought of a word, seemingly out of the blue and didn’t want to use it in a sentence. I actually wanted to do it. I wanted to, rather I want to commandeer. I am not sure what I can commandeer but, I want to be successful at it when I do it. Allow me to clarify; what I want to do is “take possession of.” Not by force, which is not in my nature, but maybe I can use my charm. I do have some charming qualities and since what I really want, that is, what led me to have thought of the word at all, is someone’s heart. A heart I cannot have.

And now that I have written it, now that I am looking over my words, I am thinking that maybe I do not want to take possession of his heart after all. Maybe no one really can. Periodically, I tell myself that he wants what’s best for me but, deep down I know that he is as selfish as I am. Although he wants the best for me; he wants the best for me to be him. That would have been nice.

The messed up part of this is that I am still pretending, even now. I pretend that I am not still his when I know that I am. I even go out of my way to show an interest in others but my heart is not in it. I think they can tell, I certainly can and my act disgusts me a little. I feel like a fraud. But I will not always, I guarantee that. I know that love will find me, I will embrace it, and that brings a smile to my face.

Until then…. this song is for you, my forever love, because at the moment, all I desire is ...

video

“More of You”
and the saddest part of it all
...I can't even tell you.

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