Wednesday, June 19, 2013

I could fall in love with you....

I could fall in love with you exactly as you are. I can do it today because I am equipped to do so. God has given me drive, determination & a generous heart that is happiest when caring for others but, would I be in love with you... or just the idea of being in love?

The last guy I dated... Hmph, could I call it dated? Not too sure I should. Anyway, in my opinion, the last guy I dated was more in love with the idea of dating, by which I mean... he was in love with the idea of dating me and less committed to the concept of loving me and all that loving me entailed. To be sure, I am vain but I do not make this statement out of conceit. He dated... he's dating now... he just didn't date me. Maybe he thought with our history (we’ve known each other for years… I mean YEARS) he didn’t have to date me.

There was a fairy tale in our story & I wasn't cooperating. I had the princess part down but, in his eyes I think that is all I had. Personally, I did not want to skip steps in our courtship. I wanted to be head over heels in love with him for every reason imaginable... I - I - I... I wanted to not be infatuated but adored. Notice all the "I"s? We wanted different things. We called it off. I am not sure that the calling off of that aspect of our relationship was mutual. Things are awkward now between us. We are making progress to get somewhere close to the intimacy and familiarity we once had but, sometimes it's exhausting; especially when I felt as if I was the only one trying to get back what we once had. 

So, with the wise counsel of my Ace I have decided that I am going to be unapologetically me because as Steve Maraboli so eloquently said, “There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty.” (she e-mailed that quote to me J thanks Ace). And I am also going to stop trying to get what we had and see if we can just get something new.

Oh, and the reason I said that he wasn’t committed to me is that the woman he is dating is the one woman to whom he should have lost communications with when we were a bourgeoning couple. Clearly, he did not and that speaks volumes to how honest he was with me. Thing is, I had not given up on us; I just thought it wasn't yet our time. He's made it obvious for me that we will never share the same last name. (Thank you for that love-bug) Whelp, as an old friend used to say (incorrectly too… it was hilarious) bygone...
I choose to let bygones be bygones.
Now, back to you… you are loveable. You are caring, a protector, giving and funny. I gave you credit for half of that when we first met and I apologize for not being patient with you, I apologize for judging you, I thank you for helping me learn something about myself that I wouldn't have otherwise. Let’s make a deal… you let my feelings for you evolve on their own and I’ll try to be less wicked. I do not need to know what comes next. I once thought that I did. So, I will do as you said and let the past remain there and I will let you spoil me… I mean… if that’s what you want.