Thursday, August 30, 2012

Since High School...

Here is what I wrote on facebook when I was able to write about him without getting all choked up:

I know that it has been a minute since I have written here and I will admit that I do not write (here) as often as I would like. I promise you this, that I would be better if you were checking in on me. You're right, no I wouldn't.
However, this entry is going to be chock-full of drama. Of course if you don't consider life, death and love heptagon's dramatic then I guess you'll be leaving my page now hoping for better in the next entry. I would start in the order that things began to unfold but, that is typically to be expected and I am absolutely and unequivocally not typical so, I will begin with the love I lost. My sweetheart... my sweet, sweet, and dear heart from high school died in a motorcycle accident. You didn't know he rode a motorcycle? Well, neither did I.

A long time ago one of my friends accused me of being like a man when it came to watching sappy movies because I never cried. I didn't cry while watching The Color Purple, not while watching My Girl, not even when they shot Cornbread. But when I heard the news that Joey was dead well, I did more than cry. It was like a dam had broken. I did not know how I was going to make it through. Another thing that I did not know was just how much I loved him. I believe that I lived in sunglasses for at least two weeks. Two weeks more or less.
I was (and thank you so much Leo) distracted by a beautiful person. He did not know that he was simply a distraction (sorry for that) but, my heart was hurting and I did not know how to deal with it, at the time. So, when he expressed an interest in me, I let him. I had absoultely none in him other than as a cool person to know. And I am sure he will be good to and for someone, just not me. I mean, c'mon son... my could've been husband died. And even if he wasn't my "could have been" when I met you I was uncontrollably crying over another man.

Now, I know that you also have members of your family whom you have chosen. Not related to you by blood or marriage, individuals you'll do almost anything for, ethical & legal of course (not sure who is reading my blog, you feel me? So, some things I just have to spell out). Joseph was one of mine. He was one of the people I chose and he also chose me. I was crying over this man and you thought that there was a chance that we could make it work? *pause* No you didn't.
We'd say "Since High School" and we'd know
that it meant "I've loved you since then & I always will."
You know what? If I'm being as honest with you as I am with myself, he chose me first. Without hesitation and without reservation he loved  me first. Above all else, he loved me unabashedly & completely. That meant so much to me and I'm glad he did. I would have missed out on knowing one wonderful human being.

Reader, I am down one of my chosen people. That leaves me with what? Two and a half (c'mon, that's funny). My Ace finds that funny and let me tell you why. The reason is this, Friends, Bones, 90210, True Blood, Dallas & the new Dallas... any situation comedy or television drama that you love, they have all made it seem like friends can date one another with no regard. Well, let me tell you that it is neither cool nor funny in real life.

Maybe it could have been but for me, it's not! There are no make-up artists, no one providing you with a wardrobe, and no one providing you with a script on what to say. However, it is what is and trust me, I have learned a valuable lesson. What is it you ask? It is this: don't date someone whose already loyal to one of your friends. It makes shit (sorry to be so brash) awkward! In my wayward days, ok, I am still a little wayward, but that is beside the point. I was "hooked" up by a friend and it worked, until it didn't. But, "Cory" and I decided that it no longer worked. The point is, that people within your inner circle can date but there are conditions that should be strictly adhered to. First and this is non-negotiable, both parties have to be sane. Not one or the other, BOTH or this will never ever be successful. Second, be honest about what you want and clear in expressing those wants. And when it's over, regardless of who pulls the plug on the "relationship," accept it. As for me, I think that it worked because the people involved, me and ummm, what was that fake name again? Right, "Cory," he & I were the only actors in our short but, awesome blockbuster. It was not a love triangle.

Love triangle is not even the right word for this mess I am involved in. I think heptagon is more accurate. Yes, I could be exaggerating but, then again, I could not be.  Just know this, if I could do it all over, I would tell chick friend that I am head over heels in love with dude friend. Yes, I would have lied. Don't judge me until you have to live with the emotions, & lack thereof, that are running amok in this relationship. No, I am not sure I can call it a relationship but, it's my blog and that is they word I want to use.

On to happier news, the daughter of my heart had a baby. She had a very good looking boy with the most intelligent eyes a baby can have. If I was on the game show  'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' that handsome fellow would be my person to call. He looks like he has the answers to life and how to make it work.

We've had two family day outings where we were a party of at least 12 enjoying quality time. The second of which, we went to the Observatory at the Empire State Building. We are such dorks, you would think we were visiting NYC instead of being native New Yorkers. It was awesome, seriously!!!

From the Empire State Building Observatory
Photographer: Mr. K. Raysor
I can never get enough of this face. I miss him with my whole heart.

He somewhere smiling that his name is tattooed on my body.
He loved my body =0)

Anyway, I am keepin'... I am keepin' as best I can. I have my moments where all I can do is take a deep breath so, that is exactly what I do. I take a deep, deep breath and press on. I am consoled by many things. Many things and many people. My most wonderful friends lift me to my feet and remind me how to fly. Oh, and don't doubt for one second that I have lost my faith, I have not and Jesus keeps me best of all.