Anyway, my mother, when home would want to unwind. That is my adult way of saying that she wanted to be alone. I figured that saying “unwind” sounds mature and understanding. In fact, as a mom, I can understand that she was probably overwhelmed and needed that time to regroup but, as a child I thought that I had freedom; a freedom that I did not want*. I wanted my mom to talk to me gently. Instead she pried and demanded information. Where she was judgmental I wanted sincere compliments. When I was sick and wanted to be nurtured… she told me to stop eating dairy products. I wanted my homework checked. I can’t even remember her going to my school’s parent-teacher conferences.
So, it is not surprising that I was the nurturer in my relationships. I still nurture my friends and family but, that is because I enjoy it. Before my revelation I did it because I thought that it was one of the reasons that my mother never had a boyfriend stay. I did the surrogate mothering to my boyfriends because I wanted to feel needed. I needed to feel needed. I wanted to enjoy my limited time in that relationship. You see, I thought eventually he will leave and they always did.
To be fair, regarding my mom, I had only seen her with two guys in my entire life. Neither of which was my father. I have never seen him with my mother. Also, I never saw her really interact with those men. So, I have no idea what she did or did not do in relationships. With all of that said; my relationship with my mother and the lack of one with my father shaped how I determined my self-worth. It shaped how I behaved in my relationships. [And it may have something to do with the men I attract. I’ll let you know if I figure that one out. You know, sharing is caring.] I just didn’t realize it then. Thank God that I can now see the destructive behaviors that I was bringing into relationships and how they were imposed upon me.
I know that I can be myself, in strength or in vulnerability: desirable, beautiful, worthy of being fought for, captivating and NOT someone destined to be abandoned.
As it stands, I am coping but I am still hurting from the sting of rejection from my dad. Daily I have to remind myself that I am who God says I am and not who others say I am. I stand on the promises made to me by my God. He loves me and will never leave me nor forsake me. I believe that. I am a BELIEVER.
*Jr., I am sorry if you feel that you get absolutely no freedom… Blame Grams ツ… kidding.