Thursday, July 8, 2010

~ Queridos ~

I am not sure when I was told the news but, I know that I was still young enough for it to have made an impression on me. I was told very nonchalantly that my father did not want me. It took me until I was older to realize how my lack of a relationship with my father and that information that I was not wanted shaped my relationships with men. Even my need to justify why he didn’t want me, the need to explain it away so that he didn’t look hardhearted, affects my relationships.

My mother, a single mother of three, did her absolute best to provide for us; which included simultaneously working and going to school. During the week there was one capable adult in the entire three family home in which I was raised, my grandmother. My grandmother was the “village” in charge of the 12 grandchildren running around the house until my mom and aunt returned to the house. The more I type the more I realize how screwed up I could be. God must really love me to have saved me from wherever I was going without Him.

Anyway, my mother, when home would want to unwind. That is my adult way of saying that she wanted to be alone. I figured that saying “unwind” sounds mature and understanding. In fact, as a mom, I can understand that she was probably overwhelmed and needed that time to regroup but, as a child I thought that I had freedom; a freedom that I did not want*. I wanted my mom to talk to me gently. Instead she pried and demanded information. Where she was judgmental I wanted sincere compliments. When I was sick and wanted to be nurtured… she told me to stop eating dairy products. I wanted my homework checked. I can’t even remember her going to my school’s parent-teacher conferences.

So, it is not surprising that I was the nurturer in my relationships. I still nurture my friends and family but, that is because I enjoy it. Before my revelation I did it because I thought that it was one of the reasons that my mother never had a boyfriend stay. I did the surrogate mothering to my boyfriends because I wanted to feel needed. I needed to feel needed. I wanted to enjoy my limited time in that relationship. You see, I thought eventually he will leave and they always did.

To be fair, regarding my mom, I had only seen her with two guys in my entire life. Neither of which was my father. I have never seen him with my mother. Also, I never saw her really interact with those men. So, I have no idea what she did or did not do in relationships. With all of that said; my relationship with my mother and the lack of one with my father shaped how I determined my self-worth. It shaped how I behaved in my relationships. [And it may have something to do with the men I attract. I’ll let you know if I figure that one out. You know, sharing is caring.] I just didn’t realize it then. Thank God that I can now see the destructive behaviors that I was bringing into relationships and how they were imposed upon me.

I know that I can be myself, in strength or in vulnerability: desirable, beautiful, worthy of being fought for, captivating and NOT someone destined to be abandoned.

As it stands, I am coping but I am still hurting from the sting of rejection from my dad. Daily I have to remind myself that I am who God says I am and not who others say I am. I stand on the promises made to me by my God. He loves me and will never leave me nor forsake me. I believe that. I am a BELIEVER.

*Jr., I am sorry if you feel that you get absolutely no freedom… Blame Grams ツ… kidding.