Fast Five... Fast Track

I have begun running again. I first did this C25K (couch to 5K) program with my brother-in-law right after I graduated. I had to get myself accustomed to waking up early since I was no longer in school. Gone were the days of completing homework late into the evening and waking up around noon for night classes. My new job, searching for work, was going to require me to be awake during normal work hours. The C25K program is designed to train the body, gradually, to running 3 miles when that body once enjoyed sitting on the couch as its recreational activity.

And I have to be honest, I kinda finished the program. It got cold out and I wasn't as bad-ass as I am now; you know; inclined to running in the rain, cold, etc. At the very least, I was dedicated to it and would rarely miss my scheduled run... unless it was raining of course. Then the temperature dropped. Following that I began working. Temporary assignments at first and then permanent employment. Sufficed to say, I had not mastered running and working. So, I stopped working out all together. No swimming, no running, nada outside of work, church & home.

I beat myself up about that but, not too much and then I couldn't take it anymore. I started the program again with a group called Black Girls Run and completed it. I even did a "graduation" run; the Percy Sutton 5K and it was brutal, to me. The first mile was practically all uphill.

I kept running after that. In fact I have to get a run in today (Saturday). My BGR leader and I continued to run together once a week and then she up and decided to run 5 miles with Teams in Training. She signed up for the Fast Track in which she commits to raise $500 for life saving cancer research therapies, in general. More specifically, raising money for The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Training is on Wednesday and we ran on Tuesday's. So, I had a choice... run solo or join the cause and continue running once a week with my BGR soror without requiring her to run two consecutive days.

I talked it over with my more athletic friends, who of course did not tell me "are you crazy?!" and now I find myself here.... soliciting money for LLS and training to run a 5-mile race. A race I kept calling "Fast Five." I guess the action movie junkie in me seems to associate fast with furious. Anyway, the good news...BGR has taught me "your race, your pace." so I am not trying to beat a specific time... I am just trying to complete the run. The bad news... well, I guess there really isn't any unless you have been diagnosed with Leukemia.

So, if you can, I would appreciate it if you would make a donation through my page as I take on this Fast Five challenge. Thanks.

I could fall in love with you....

I could fall in love with you exactly as you are. I can do it today because I am equipped to do so. God has given me drive, determination & a generous heart that is happiest when caring for others but, would I be in love with you... or just the idea of being in love?

The last guy I dated... Hmph, could I call it dated? Not too sure I should. Anyway, in my opinion, the last guy I dated was more in love with the idea of dating, by which I mean... he was in love with the idea of dating me and less committed to the concept of loving me and all that loving me entailed. To be sure, I am vain but I do not make this statement out of conceit. He dated... he's dating now... he just didn't date me. Maybe he thought with our history (we’ve known each other for years… I mean YEARS) he didn’t have to date me.

There was a fairy tale in our story & I wasn't cooperating. I had the princess part down but, in his eyes I think that is all I had. Personally, I did not want to skip steps in our courtship. I wanted to be head over heels in love with him for every reason imaginable... I - I - I... I wanted to not be infatuated but adored. Notice all the "I"s? We wanted different things. We called it off. I am not sure that the calling off of that aspect of our relationship was mutual. Things are awkward now between us. We are making progress to get somewhere close to the intimacy and familiarity we once had but, sometimes it's exhausting; especially when I felt as if I was the only one trying to get back what we once had. 

So, with the wise counsel of my Ace I have decided that I am going to be unapologetically me because as Steve Maraboli so eloquently said, “There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty.” (she e-mailed that quote to me J thanks Ace). And I am also going to stop trying to get what we had and see if we can just get something new.

Oh, and the reason I said that he wasn’t committed to me is that the woman he is dating is the one woman to whom he should have lost communications with when we were a bourgeoning couple. Clearly, he did not and that speaks volumes to how honest he was with me. Thing is, I had not given up on us; I just thought it wasn't yet our time. He's made it obvious for me that we will never share the same last name. (Thank you for that love-bug) Whelp, as an old friend used to say (incorrectly too… it was hilarious) bygone...

I choose to let bygones be bygones.

Now, back to you… you are loveable. You are caring, a protector, giving and funny. I gave you credit for half of that when we first met and I apologize for not being patient with you, I apologize for judging you, I thank you for helping me learn something about myself that I wouldn't have otherwise. Let’s make a deal… you let my feelings for you evolve on their own and I’ll try to be less wicked. I do not need to know what comes next. I once thought that I did. So, I will do as you said and let the past remain there and I will let you spoil me… I mean… if that’s what you want.

Why I love Jason Phillips...

I love him. I am not that complicated when it comes to love and what I love. I am a sucker for a few things; nice strong arms, a sense of humor and a sexy masculine voice. Jason Phillips, bka Jadakiss, has a voice that sounds like he just woke up. That in itself is sexy to me. It is not enough to make me love him but it is enough to pique my interest. What makes me love  him the most are his lyrics and how he delivers them. He sound so sincere. When he says "I'm always here for you to talk to, Hold your head high when you walk through, Sometimes the devil's temptation would force you, One thing about the Lord,He'd never cross you, Look at all the bad things that they tried to do to you, And you're still queen of this earth and you're beautiful, Everything happens for a reason, If you ever need me, Call me, I'm coming through squeezing." I believe it. I believe it all, that he thinks I'm beautiful and more importantly, that he'd kill for me.

Of course I don't want him to kill for me but, I do want someone in my life who I know will drop everything to come to me when I need him. I was at a poetry reading Sunday and the host asked me what three things do I require in a man, my man. Ok, he said two but, that was too much of a challenge and when another member of the audience suggested three things, I jumped on that. My three things were (and I reserve the right to change these without notice) (1) Commitment to Family, (2) Be employed & (3) Read.

I think Jada would come when I called him. I mean, you can't just say you are committed to your family and expect me to believe it. You have to show by your actions that you are committed to your family. Honestly, I think that whatever you claim should be displayed by your actions. And I want someone who will adore me, fight for me; someone who knows my value. Because I hate fake people who pretend until they have what they want and then it's back to being phony. Oh snap, so does Jada Jada. He abhor's fake people. So, I also love him because we hate the same type of people. If you're real and you know it clap ya hands.

You know, the more I think about it the more I realize that this will never work; my love for Jada. Not just because of his lack of knowledge of my existence. It wont work because even though I will have the run of the bathroom because well, I have hair and he does not. And even though we can get matching tattoos because he apparently loves getting inked up and I'm not opposed to it (as long as he's paying). And even though he fits my man image of not being pretty (the only pretty man I can truly love is Maxwell. What'd you say about Prince? Well, Prince doesn't count, because he's BEAUTIFUL!). Anyway, I have not supported him in the way that I should support the man I love. I have three of his  songs on my iPod. *hanging head in shame* I'm sorry baby, I will do better to show my support of you.  And when I have become his number one fan (because as his partner I should be his number one supporter) we can make this work. He and I will be the new Beyonce & Jay-Z, Michelle and Barack... who am I kidding, we'll be Oprah and Steadman. I do not like to be in the limelight. Yes, you'll be Oprah and I will just be your silent but incomparable partner (Steadman). I am the standard people.

We will go to the supermarket in matching gym shorts and he will never have to smile because I smile enough for the both of us.

Until then, my unrequited love for Jada will live on forever. Or until I meet a gentleman on the train who strikes my fancy or in the gym... or something. Which ever comes first.

I love you too baby.

A, yo phone is ringing... A, yo phone is ringing... AHHHHHH YO PHONE IS RINGING AHHHHHH

I’m one of those people who likes to have a ringtone for people or groups so that… well, so that I can tell from across the room if I want to walk over and pick up my ringing phone. Anyway, I decide that I am going to put a unique ringtone for the people at work on my phone. I wanted something that was pretty much the polar opposite of the office culture in this upscale commercial real estate firm where I am employed. I find the song and order the MP3. I click to open it to make sure the download link works and REALLY LOUD (I'm at the front receptionist desk) the computer screams "Doublemint twins in the building…" I look in a panic & the pc is on mute. But, I am remotely accessing my desktop. THAT is muted and NOT the computer that I was on. I couldn't see the mute or stop button on the Real Player because, there was a film of embarrassment clouding my vision. I shut down the remote access but not before the Doublemint twins say "and you ain't even ready for this sh**."

When I moved my hands from my mortified face, I looked up to see how busted I was, and I see one of the brokers who was by the elevator. He cupped his ear like,“A little louder please. Huh. What? I can’t hear you.”

SECOND: Eh, you have free will. Judge me if you want to. JESUS still loves me!!

Enjoy the track. Download the track. AND check out The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl,  it is hilarious... to me!!!

I laugh everyday! EVERY DAY!! Each day that God allows me another chance to prove to HIM that I am redeemable (and believe me, I try) I laugh!!

I laugh everyday! EVERY DAY!!

Everyday I find something to laugh about. I have an entertaining family who make me laugh, two of my best friends, intentionally and unintentionally, keep me in stitches. If a day goes by and I haven't at least chuckled, one of two things have happened (1) I slept the day away or (2) I no longer live in New York. Strangers are the best form of entertainment. For example, the guy on the bus with the wooden beaded bracelets and necklaces (plural people, plural) who thought he was so smooth that he could have his pick of all of the ladies... well, I hate to break your heart but,  he head nodded at me... Oh joy of joys...yup, I laugh everyday.

This post is dedicated to LAUGHTER, the best medicine, unless you're um sick. In that case you should probably go to the doctor & get examined and maybe take some medicine as prescribed by a licensed physician.

I am here to share with you seven (7) consecutive days of things, events, people, & comments to which my first reaction was "Oh, snap. That was funny," or my reaction was just a burst of laughter. Want to know why I'm sharing this at this moment? Sure, sure, it's because I care but more than that it's because my page title says "and sometimes, I laugh." And I do and I don't know if I have displayed that enough in this blog. Therefore I will do my best at proving that by listing at least one thing that made me bust a gut over the last 7days. Ha, ok, seriously, I don't usually bust a gut. My people aren't comedians but, hey, what they lack in humor they make up for with smarts & good looks.



Ok, here we go, Sunshine's laugh aloud list begins now:

Haaahh?!

DAY ONE: Saturday, September 1, 2012

My son woke up in a bad mood. So every smart alec thing he did I laughed at. But, what was really funny (to me) was that I kept saying "nope, that doesn't count" I meant for this post but, since he had no idea what I was referring to, every time I laughed at him and said "nope that doesn't count," he looked so perplexed. The look was priceless.

Later in the day I was driving my mom to the Indian restaurant to get her fix of curried & spicy dishes. She actually was cutting on me because I am going on a cruise. My son said "Grams, you jelly (jealous)?" She said, "No... Yes."

The funny part was not her eventual honesty, but the fact that she was cracking jokes. I mean, sure, you had to be there but, generally, my mom is pretty corny and her jokes are super lame. I was impressed that in that moment, I felt dissed... jaw dropping "oh, snap" dissed... by my mom!

DAY TWO: Sunday, September 2, 2012

New show on Fox "Ben & Kate." Most of my favorite shows are on FOX so, it didn't surprise me that this entertained me.

DAY THREE: Monday, September 3, 2012

My Ace & I were having a serious dialogue via text because it was of immediate importance and e-mail or carrier pigeon just wouldn't do. The topic was "The Ridiculousness That is the Emoticons on the iPhone." See below and know this, it STILL cracks me up!!! She's so real & she's mine people. Go get your own BFF!!

No, I never sent her such a text as the one she proposed but, I could and that is what makes us the...

hot ice-cream LOL

DAY FOUR: Tuesday, September 4, 2012

WS is back!!! WS was on vacation... and we are always laughing, well, when we aren't working of course.

and umm WS is not a man and well, neither of us are white but you get the idea.

DAY FIVE: Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Today I sent a text out to two of my friends. It was a determined message about my future boyfriend. I said that he is going to give me massages everyday. My always supportive girlfriend said, "Awesome lol, Yes he will." But, my smart-ass guy friend (I guess it's not fair to call him a smart-ass when they both are, right?? Anyway) he said "Huh? He better know how to fight!" 

And because Wednesday was a good day for laughing aloud, here is another. I ran into Patricia. Sure we work in the same building and you  would think that we would see each other all the time but, we are busy New Yorkers. When I saw her I literally jumped up and down. Patricia said, "I thought you  were crazy." And in NY it is plausible for her to have thought that. We hugged and she wouldn't let me go, and as we laughed and hugged I said, "now we both look crazy." She said, "I don't care, I'm not letting you go."

DAY SIX: September 6, 2012

Chatting with MA at work. Yes. That is it! She's pretty funny. Actually, most of those Uptown girls are. To be clear they are not girls, they are ladies AND they work on the east side of our Midtown NY office, that side with the CEO, not really Uptown.

And, I figured out what "big wigs" meant!!! Well, I think I did... Hmmm, lemme google it. First, what I presumed, and that's that it came from the 18th Century when men wore white wigs... you know the time I'm speaking about. Well, my theory is that the wealthiest & most influential men had bigger wigs... Get it? BIG WIGS!!!

Google searching says... it says that... eh, it says I was close... kind of... oh shut up! 

DAY SEVEN: September 7, 2012

My sister and I play Draw Something and I was taking a mental health moment at work and decided to check to see if one of my two drawing friends sent me a pic to guess. Well, before I could even get to see what was sent I witnessed my sister guessing my picture. Man, my stomach hurt from holding in the laughter. I called her to laugh with her and my brother-in-law (best brother-in-law EVER) picked up the phone. I was trying to tell him what happened but was still laughing. I am sure he was on the verge of calling the paramedics thinking I was having some kind of attack.

Yeah, sis next time the arrow to the word means that is the answer but, not to worry because next time I am going to do what my Ace does. I'm going to write "the answer is Turbo."

That is my week people. I am pretty uncomplicated, at least I think so. I have integrity, if I give you my word, only God will keep me from keeping it. I am compassionate, as much as I fight the description, I am pretty nice & selfless. Sarcastic? Oh yeah. And I guess my sarcasm takes some getting use to. But outside of that I am both proud and humble, I will ask for help but, if I don't need it I'll tell you. If I know it... I'll tell you, and if you want, I share what I know. I have a big heart & I'm pretty selfish when it comes to sharing my love. So there are times when I seem reserved, I'm not really. I'm just feeling you out to see if you are someone worthy of me sharing all this goodness, that is Sunshine, with.

That girl who was laughing aloud on the train at a book she was reading... probably me. That chick who laughed aloud at that lame joke in the movie theater... that was definitely me.

I hurt, I love, I cry but even as I go through my tough times... I laugh. It's part of who I am.

 And scene! Kidding... that's totally me!!

*special thanks to Stephanie R. for helping me video my iPhone.

Since High School...

Here is what I wrote on facebook when I was able to write about him without getting all choked up:

I know that it has been a minute since I have written here and I will admit that I do not write (here) as often as I would like. I promise you this, that I would be better if you were checking in on me. You're right, no I wouldn't.

However, this entry is going to be chock-full of drama. Of course if you don't consider life, death and love heptagon's dramatic then I guess you'll be leaving my page now hoping for better in the next entry. I would start in the order that things began to unfold but, that is typically to be expected and I am absolutely and unequivocally not typical so, I will begin with the love I lost. My sweetheart... my sweet, sweet, and dear heart from high school died in a motorcycle accident. You didn't know he rode a motorcycle? Well, neither did I.


A long time ago one of my friends accused me of being like a man when it came to watching sappy movies because I never cried. I didn't cry while watching The Color Purple, not while watching My Girl, not even when they shot Cornbread. But when I heard the news that Joey was dead well, I did more than cry. It was like a dam had broken. I did not know how I was going to make it through. Another thing that I did not know was just how much I loved him. I believe that I lived in sunglasses for at least two weeks. Two weeks more or less.

I was (and thank you so much Leo) distracted by a beautiful person. He did not know that he was simply a distraction (sorry for that) but, my heart was hurting and I did not know how to deal with it, at the time. So, when he expressed an interest in me, I let him. I had absoultely none in him other than as a cool person to know. And I am sure he will be good to and for someone, just not me. I mean, c'mon son... my could've been husband died. And even if he wasn't my "could have been" when I met you I was uncontrollably crying over another man.

Now, I know that you also have members of your family whom you have chosen. Not related to you by blood or marriage, individuals you'll do almost anything for, ethical & legal of course (not sure who is reading my blog, you feel me? So, some things I just have to spell out). Joseph was one of mine. He was one of the people I chose and he also chose me. I was crying over this man and you thought that there was a chance that we could make it work? *pause* No you didn't.

We'd say "Since High School" and we'd know
that it meant "I've loved you since then & I always will."

You know what? If I'm being as honest with you as I am with myself, he chose me first. Without hesitation and without reservation he loved  me first. Above all else, he loved me unabashedly & completely. That meant so much to me and I'm glad he did. I would have missed out on knowing one wonderful human being.

Reader, I am down one of my chosen people. That leaves me with what? Two and a half (c'mon, that's funny). My Ace finds that funny and let me tell you why. The reason is this, Friends, Bones, 90210, True Blood, Dallas & the new Dallas... any situation comedy or television drama that you love, they have all made it seem like friends can date one another with no regard. Well, let me tell you that it is neither cool nor funny in real life.

Maybe it could have been but for me, it's not! There are no make-up artists, no one providing you with a wardrobe, and no one providing you with a script on what to say. However, it is what is and trust me, I have learned a valuable lesson. What is it you ask? It is this: don't date someone whose already loyal to one of your friends. It makes shit (sorry to be so brash) awkward! In my wayward days, ok, I am still a little wayward, but that is beside the point. I was "hooked" up by a friend and it worked, until it didn't. But, "Cory" and I decided that it no longer worked. The point is, that people within your inner circle can date but there are conditions that should be strictly adhered to. First and this is non-negotiable, both parties have to be sane. Not one or the other, BOTH or this will never ever be successful. Second, be honest about what you want and clear in expressing those wants. And when it's over, regardless of who pulls the plug on the "relationship," accept it. As for me, I think that it worked because the people involved, me and ummm, what was that fake name again? Right, "Cory," he & I were the only actors in our short but, awesome blockbuster. It was not a love triangle.

Love triangle is not even the right word for this mess I am involved in. I think heptagon is more accurate. Yes, I could be exaggerating but, then again, I could not be.  Just know this, if I could do it all over, I would tell chick friend that I am head over heels in love with dude friend. Yes, I would have lied. Don't judge me until you have to live with the emotions, & lack thereof, that are running amok in this relationship. No, I am not sure I can call it a relationship but, it's my blog and that is they word I want to use.

On to happier news, the daughter of my heart had a baby. She had a very good looking boy with the most intelligent eyes a baby can have. If I was on the game show  'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' that handsome fellow would be my person to call. He looks like he has the answers to life and how to make it work.

We've had two family day outings where we were a party of at least 12 enjoying quality time. The second of which, we went to the Observatory at the Empire State Building. We are such dorks, you would think we were visiting NYC instead of being native New Yorkers. It was awesome, seriously!!!


From the Empire State Building Observatory
Photographer: Mr. K. Raysor

I can never get enough of this face. I miss him with my whole heart.



He somewhere smiling that his name is tattooed on my body.
He loved my body =0)

Anyway, I am keepin'... I am keepin' as best I can. I have my moments where all I can do is take a deep breath so, that is exactly what I do. I take a deep, deep breath and press on. I am consoled by many things. Many things and many people. My most wonderful friends lift me to my feet and remind me how to fly. Oh, and don't doubt for one second that I have lost my faith, I have not and Jesus keeps me best of all.

Novice Faster - Intermediate Prayer - Advanced Sinner

Happy New Year. I am not sure how you read that but, I was totally insincere with my new year’s cheer. (Yes, I know that rhymed.) Anyway, today is the 2^nd of January and I am still reading up on how to successfully fast and pray. I am not going all gung-ho and doing a 40-day fast. For two reasons (1) because the Lord has not put it on my heart to do that and (2) because I have never fasted before. I do want to glorify God in this undertaking and not by trying to be, and failing as, teacher’s pet.

What I am going to do is a 21 day fast. My diet will consist of fruits, vegetables and their juices, and water. And what I realized today was that although 21 days sounds like a short amount of time… “oh, just three weeks.” See? It sounds like nothing. But, actually living it, I am certain that it will seem longer. However, by God’s grace I will manage. I have already begun by mixing my regular Café Bustelo coffee with de-caffeinated. By the end of this week I will be on de-caf only and then next week, green tea. The goal is to be caffeine-free for two-thirds of my fast. By the way, that is the easy part for me. The tricky part is the prayer and bible study.

I mean, I know how to read but, do I really know how to pray? Do I really know how to listen to God? And will I know when I have drawn nearer to Him?

I am pretty sure that my time of fasting & praying should not be a time filled with anxiety but, at this moment I am anxious. I am anxious about praying and fasting properly. Not to worry, this soon will pass. I know it, just as sure as I know that the Lord is always with me.

One last thing that is troubling me; I know that this season is to open my heart to receive more of God but, why do I keep reading that I am not to ask for anything? I certainly do not look upon God as my personal genie but, I am also certain that when all else fails, God still can. So, while this reading says “Why are you fasting? To seek something personally from God’s hand or to seek His face in worship, praise, and thanksgiving?” Am I wrong when I say “BOTH”??

Am I not allowed to fast and pray for multiple reasons? God’s Word says, “in all things…” He says, “in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to [Me.]” So, why is all the reading trying to make me feel as if I am wrong to ask for something other than a deeper relationship with God. I want a job and I want more of Jesus. I need a job and I need more of Jesus. Geesh! What's a girl to do? Isn’t it grand that He knows my heart? Because all of these points of view are troubling me.

Ah-ha, then we have come to this: “In preparation of your fast, repent of un-confessed sins.”

Ok,

1. Bob
2. That gift card I kept. It wasn’t mine.
3. When I return sour behavior for the sour behavior given to me.
4. Bob (intentionally listed 2x because, Jesus help me, my heart still welcomes his.)

I am human; you’d think there’d be more on this list. I think there should be more on this list. Well, the Holy Spirit is with me and He will let me know when there is something to confess and I will be obedient.

So, I think I am ready. I do not have an accountability partner but, that is another thing I am praying on. And, in full-disclosure, I am also giving up television during my fast. You would think I would have said the social networking but, I do not interact that much on those sites. Giving up television though, that is a sacrifice I am willing to make for my Lord.

See you on the 29^th or sometime shortly after that to let you know how it went.

Pray for me.